I've been thinking alot lately about love.

Love in an abstract way, and also love in individuals.

I watched part of the movie serendipity tonight. For those who don't know, serendipity is a bit cheesy but none the less cute John Cusack movie where he meets an amazing girl who is gone out of his life as suddenly as she came into it. The only thing he has left to look for her is her address she wrote down in a copy of a book, and the only thing she has is a five dollar bill with his name on it. Both look but cannot find these items until, of course, the timing is perfect.

However impractical, the idea is lovely. The idea of two people meeting, having a wonderful time but soon drawn away before anything could be done. Part of me loves this idea, that the one chance meeting could determine the rest of your life.

Then there is the cynical part of me. The part that tells me that this is the very idea movie producers love because it makes single people like me go out there and buy more movie tickets so we can pine.

The part that tells me that in these movies we don't get to see how much John Cusack's treasured Simpsons collectables irritates Kate Beckinsale, and how much it irks John Cusack when Kate Beckinsale plays her beloved Titanic Soundtrack for the third time that day.

I know that relationships aren't perfect. I know that you have to work at them and sometimes let the other's quirks go.

What I don't understand is why some people have such a difficult time finding someone, when others have such an easy time.

Its late and I don't want to cross any borders that shouldn't be crossed, however I can't help but go through lists, like I always do.

There has been the boy who has had no idea that I've loved him.

There has been the boy where we met for a few amazing hours, but distance and time has drawn us apart.

There has been the boy where I told him I liked him but said he was still hurting and then things stopped after that.

There has been the boy where things have been on again and off again, but always find our niche at friendship.

I'm not complaining. I'm not angry or hurt or upset about any of these. I just feel lost. People tell me that "You'll eventually find someone" or that "Your prince will come" and other such stuff. The point is I've been saying that sort of stuff for a long time and its just not working anymore.

I'm not sure what exactly this calls for. Most likely an inward change. More self confidence is something I need to work on. How? I really have no idea.

I feel like its this constant battle between two selves.

The first self just wants a guy, someone who will hold and kiss my attention-starved self. The second self thinks that I'll have to try harder to both be and meet a better person. Lust vs. Mind, Id vs. Superego. Right now its the Id that seems to be winning. Damn.

Until Later,

Sondra